Ode to the Toilet
Personally, I think that toilet humor is funny so I thought that I would share some knowledge that I have learned. For example, in the UK, the toilet is called the bog. But if you don't find anecdotes about pooping to be funny, don't read this post. You won't find it funny. Toilets in Asia come in an assortment of styles. There are the squatters, the normal ones, the ones that flush, the ones that don't flush, and the holes in the ground. The squatters are just what they sound like. You squat over them. Some are just on the ground and some of them are raised up. If they are raised up, you have to be careful not to fall off of them. They tend to be slippery because they tend to be the type that don't flush and water gets splashed all over, so you really do have to be careful. And most importantly, you have to aim correctly on the squatter. Otherwise, whatever you just did will not be in the toilet in the end. And roll up your pants before going in because it tends to splash. If you are lucky, you will get a normal toilet. If you are really lucky, you will get one with a seat on it. Even better than that are the ones that come with the butt sprayer. Now I am not entirely sure how this thing works because I have never used it, but I think the point is to spray off. The thing that I really don't understand is how the people emerge from the bathroom not totally drenched because I go next and the entire bathroom is soaking wet. Sometimes the walls and ceiling are dripping, so how do they manage to stay dry?!?!!? Butt sprayers are a mystery. Even more posh that a butt sprayer is a hot towel and massage while you do your business. At a club in Laos, the guys kept going back to make wee (that is actually what they say- grown men saying "I have to go make wee" is probably one of the funniest moments in my day). It was because they would stand at the urinal and a guy would put a hot towel on their neck and massage them. We went to see if the same was true for the ladies, but all that we got was pushy twelve year olds that cut in front of you and hot pink bog roll (toilet paper-British slang). That brings us to the issue of flushing. Some flush like a proper western toilet, and some do not. The ones that do, do so in the normal clockwise direction because well, we are still in the northern hemisphere (some people are confused about this point). The ones that don't are a little more tricky. Usually, there is a bucket of water that you are supposed to scoop out with the bowl/cup/pot that is in the bucket, and then put it down the toilet. This washes away whatever you just put in the toilet, unless it was something really big. Sometimes you sit there for a long time, frantically pouring the water down the toilet and hoping that it will work. Sometimes you run out of water and can't figure out how to get more if the faucet isn't working. A nameless person that we know in Thailand was at work one day, went code brown and couldn't get it down. Not knowing what to do, she left it. The next day, her boss called her into the office and reprimanded her for making poo-poo at work. "You no make poo-poo here!!!" Thank you Jeff and Andy for never telling me not to make poo-poo at work. A hole in the ground is just what it sounds like, but I have never had to do that. Toilets, it's an everyday thing that you normally wouldn't think about, and we don't so much as blink at anymore, unless we fall off one, miss, or leave something behind...

Laos-
We have been learning a lot in Laos. We took a slow boat down the Mekong River and when they say slow, they mean it. Sometimes you sit on the boat while it is full of people without even leaving for two full hours because it is taking the driver that long to count all of the kip that was paid for the voyage. There are 10,000 kip to the dollar. It makes things confusing. It was an enjoyable two days on the river. We played some cards, some scrabble and tried not to bruise our bums from sitting on the wooden benches. We ended up in Luang Prabang, a town we liked very much. We rented bikes and went for a long ride out to some waterfalls. We biked about 64 km, it was a good day. And the waterfalls were amazing. We have been to waterfalls in Thailand, but they were not so impressive. This one was. It even came with bears and a tiger. We met a nice family who told us all about Laos. Then we biked back to town and ate pumplin pie. A little late for Thanksgiving, but still damn good pie.

After Luang Prabang, we took a bus to Phonsavahn to see the Plain of Jars and have a cultural experience. Well, we definitely got a cultural experience. We got off the bus and as usual, there were loads of people trying to get us to stay at their guesthouse. The process is a little chaotic because no one wants to be left without a place to stay. After a few minutes, we decided on a guesthouse and went to get in the minibus, but it was full. "No problem" the lady assured us, and an old jeep came screaming up. We were told to pile in, so pile in we did. That was when we met Mr. Kong. Oh Mr. Kong, how we love your bling and how you say bollucks! when you are pissed. He took us in his former CIA jeep to his guesthouse and began educating us about Laos. I didn't know that the US had bombed Laos so heavily during the Vietnam War. There are still tonnes of unexploded bombs in Laos- we saw some of them. We liked Mr. Kong so much that we convinced him to take us on a tour in his jeep, something he doesn't normally do. The next morning we were off to a village where they use the materials from the bombs for building and scrap metal. It was nice to be somewhere non-touristy. The people spoke a different dialect, so our bad Laos-speaking abilities were even useless. We were ushered into a small room and into a celebration. The celbration was for Mr. Kong's friend (who he told us was his brother, but was really just his friend) who had been sick. The celebration was to wish him good luck and health. Apparently in Laos, good health involves drinking rice whiskey at 9 a.m. and lots of it. We kept having to take shots and then people would tie white strings around our wrists and mutter in Laotian. Supposedly they were wishing us well, but who really knows. There was also tasty food that we all had to share out of the same bowls (again, to promote health) that included rice, soup and chicken. All of the chicken. Mr. Kong was given the head- probably because he wears all that bling. I was given a foot, which I did not eat, but Des (one of the British boys we have been hanging out with) to eat. He heaved twice before swallowing. Mr. Kong may have had too much whiskey because then he let all of us take turns driving the jeep. We then went and saw bomb craters and unexploded bombs. Then to the Plain of Jars. The jars are some mysterious thing. They were made around 2500 years ago and human remains from about 1200 years ago have been found under them. We don't really get it, but we went out and saw them anyway. This was the point when Mr. Kong got bored and started lighting everything on fire. Literally, we were walking down a path and he just kept leaning down and starting grass fires. He is a little crazy. Overall, it was a great experience and now I have good luck from white strings tied around my wrist, at least that's what they claimed...
Oh yeah, the pictures. Well, one id of me upside down in a jar because Ali dropped his waterbottle in it. Then there is Mr. Kong in all of his glory. Ali showing the pictures he took to the village children. Paco in a jar. Enjoy.

Yes, I am a fraidy cat. When we went out climbing over the water I had to have someone hold my hand to jump down. I'm the one on the right. The other guy is Dave from Seattle. He's a pretty awesome guy. He showed me the fossils in the rocks before making me jump.

Ton Sai, Ton Sai, oh how we miss you. That is why we are going back in February after our silent meditaion 10 day extravaganza.

Cooking Class- curry paste in the market, me in a hammock feeling like I might explode, and green curry (which we ate almost everyday for six weeks). The ting tong picture is for you, Tim. To everyone else, ting tong means crazy in Thai. It just has a special meaning for Tim...

Chiang Mai
Cooking Class- Ok, so we took a thai cooking class from the cutest woman named Mim. Mim took us to the market and showed us a lot of stuff about thai ingredients. Now we know what all of the stuff we have been eating actually is. Pretty exciting. Then Mim showed us how to cook a bunch of food, and of course, how to eat more food than I ever thought humanly possible. We ate all day long. I seriously thought my stomach might explode. It made me think of Jane's Thanksgiving story when she took the last bite and knew that it had no place to go and then threw it up (and then went back for more pie). That's how full we were. Now when we get home, we can have a thai dinner party. And in the spirit of Thailand, all of the girls will dress up like 16 year old thai hookers and all of the guys will have to dress up like the dirty old western men who come to Thailand to pick them up....

Pai- We took a weekend trip out to a little town called Pai (but pronounced like the word bye). It's a funky little artsy town with lots of live music. We wandered around and hiked out to a waterfall. Of course, in Thailand, women don't walk anywhere so everyone who saw us thought we were crazy. Well, it isn't just women, it's everyone really. I swear that a thai person would drive their motorbike/take some form of a taxi to the bathroom if it were possible. On the way to the waterfalls, we saw what looked like a chicken sacrifice and had women try to sell us drugs. The next day we woke up early and walked (again we got crazy looks and were offered a ride) out to a wat (temple) on a hill. 356 stairs later, we had a nice view of Pai, which would have been peaceful had there not been hindi music blaring as some workers were doing construction. So much for serenity. Pai was nice but the transportation to and from Pai is a little lacking. The road is steep and full of sharp curves and the bus a little sketchy. I couldn't sit forward because there was not enough leg room. There were 28 seats, including the driver, and 40 people on the bus. And then getting home was not so easy either. The bus was actually full and so we got in a type of songtao. A songtao (and I am sure that is not really how you spell that) is a pickup truck with camper shell and two benches in the back. Sometimes they are somewhat comfortable, but this one was not at all because the window behind the bench was so big, I may have fallen out of it if I leaned back. A lot of people told us that Thailand was really easy to get around, but I am not really sure if we are in the same country as those people were talking about. Most transportation scenarios are not simple. We started a tally of how often transport is a pain in the ass versus easy. The easy is not getting many tallies....

Doi Sutep- Back in Chiang Mai, we went out to Doi Sutep which is a sacred temple. It was really interesting. There was a lot going on that I definitely did not understand. There were a lot of thai people, which was nice to see. Transportation there and back got tallies for pain in the ass. Right behind Doi Sutep, there is a national park that we wanted to hike at, and so we thought we would just ask at the temple. And then we got there and remembered that no one walks in Thailand, and anytime we asked someone where we could walk they replied with "No, no. You no walk. Far, very far. Take taxi." Eventually some nice guy told us where the park entrance was (that guy has some good karma coming his way). At the park, there was no one at the information booth and no information. National parks in Thailand appear to be a little different than in the states. We thought we found a trail to some waterfalls, but then had second thoughts about our trail when we walked past the large pile of burning garbage. I don't remember ever seeing piles of burning garbage in our national parks, but maybe I just missed that interpretive sign. We thought the trail might go somewhere so we took it anyway. We were rewarded with a few misplaced signs for the waterfalls and pink confetti trail markers. Again, not what we use in the states, but I guess it serves a purpose. We never did find the waterfalls, but we had a nice afternoon hiking in the jungle following pink confetti (personally I thought the pink confetti meant we were going to find some party out in the woods). That night we got kicked out of the brothel we were staying at for free (it was actually Heather's apartment here in Thailand) because apparently you can only have guests if you are a hooker and the landlord gets a cut. At least I think that is what she was trying to tell us. I don't really know because I don't speak thai. She wasn't talking about meows or moo and that is the extent of my vocabulary.

Crazy Horse Buttress- We spent a day out rock climbing at Crazy Horse Buttress. The climbing shop in Chiang Mai is great. They arrange rides out to the crag and even give you lunch out there. And it's a great crag, very well taken care of. We did some fun climbs and met some diamond geyser climbers. Paco and I practiced our leading skills on some easy 5's (again with the frenchie system). We wish that we could spend more time there, but our visa's are running out.

Phu Chi Fah- We heard about some cool sunrise hike out in Chiang Rai and it's not in the guidebooks. So Paco and I went out to scope out the situation for Heather and friends. We ended up finding out that the hike is only 700 meters (but supposedly very strenuous and you should give yourself an hour to hike it according to a thai lady), and that we needed to rent a car. So we rented some huge SUV on the side of the road. I wish I had our contract that we signed because it was pretty funny. The person who translated it didn't really do the best job and who knows what it really said in squiggles. I can't read squiggles. The best part was when we asked to see the insurance papers and they guy couldn't find them but assured us that in the case of an accident we wouldn't have to pay more than 8,000 baht. I pointed out that that was not stated on our contract and so he had me write it on the side: "Insurance- maximum fee of 8,000 baht in the case of accident." He seemed to think that was sufficient. So we rented a car off the side of the street and drove out to this viewpoint in the middle of the night. The information that we got from people varied a little. We figured that it may take us between an hour and a half to three hours to drive there and from fifteen minutes to an hour to hike up. Well, it was about a two hour drive and fifteen minute walk. Yeah, maybe I breathed a little hard on the way up, but not anything strenuous. When we got to the top, it was full of thai tourists. I only saw one other westerner there. So here we are, at this amazing viewpoint overlooking valleys in Laos and the clouds make it look like a lake and it's just plain amazing. And then you look behind you and see hundreds of thai people shouting and taking pictures. They kept wanting to take pictures with us. We were a novelty. Then we drove around and got a little lost. We drove through some tiny villages and I made a small child cry when trying to play peek-a-boo. Not just a little crying, screaming and wailing for about ten minutes. Apparently I am a little scary if you never see western tourists. So some people want to take pictures with me and others and terrified of me.

Ok, so I know this a crazy long post, but I needed to get all of that out before going to Laos, which we do tomorrow. I am sure that some crazy things will happen there...

Ton Sai
Ok, so intenet was really expensive where we were, so we haven't blogged in a while. Sorry, you can spank our bums as punishment when you see us. Krabi is absolutely amazing, and by Krabi I really mean Ton Sai beach. Apparently six years ago, it was just a beach with some cool climbing around it and you could just pitch your tent somewhere under the rocks, but now it is turning into bungalow/resort town, but you still have to take a boat to get there. We met some interesting people along the way, from all over the world and close to home. We did some climbing, some snorkeling, some kayaking, some deep water soloing (that is where you climb above the water and fall in and when I say that we did it, I use the term did very loosely), and some beach appreciation. The beaches were gorgeous, and so were the hot climber men. For all of you women stuck on Estrogen Island, this is the place you want to go. Roles are reversed and you are surrounded by attractive men... The rock was good, but it did kick our asses at times. And every single night there is a beach party, with fireworks included. Basically, we didn't want to leave and plan on going back there.

After ~30 hours on buses, we are now in Chiang Mai, which is in the north. Chang means elephant in case anyone cares. (Sidenote: other funny animals include the word for cat being meow and the word for pork being moo)

Ok, so here are some pictures. Did we mention that we got really tan and really good at climbing (which we like to do topless) and our hair has turned a little darker... Yeah, we are badass climbers on this 8a climb (that's the frenchie system for ya). Christmas in Thailand. Paco is a badass and a belay bitch. We really are just kidding about the pictures. The internet has definitely not been cooperating with us, and you know how technologically savvy we are...